Catastrophes with the Cullen Clan: Jasper & Emmett
by Razzmatazz Lady
Summary: When Jasper decides to end his pain and kill Bella, his attempts constantly fail. Emmett offers to help him turn Bella into a vampire, but things never go as planned with the Cullens. Some violence, not worth the T rating. Funny!
1. Chapter 1

Catastrophes with the Cullen Clan: 

Jasper & Emmett Hatch a Scheme

Jasper's Suffering

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, can't get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough_

'_Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all._

-Three Days Grace

Jasper always seemed to be in pain these days. It really wasn't fair. Sure, he dealt with it at school, but Bella was just torture. She was always with the Cullen family, tempting Jasper. It wasn't like he liked her; he actually thought she was quite annoying. _Why can't Edward just turn her into a vampire already?_ he often found himself thinking when Bella came over for dinner. Rosalie complained that these get-togethers weren't really dinners; just the Cullens watching Bella eat. Jasper wished he could eat at these dinners, but Edward probably wouldn't appreciate his one true love being the main course. So it came as no surprise when Jasper reacted the way he did when Bella cut her finger chopping carrots.

"Jasper, NO!!!" screamed Edward. Emmett flung himself between Jasper and Bella. Jasper fought with all his might, but the combined strength of Edward and Emmett was too much. Rosalie pushed Bella away from the fighting vampires, "accidentally" her knocking into the wall. Bella fell to the floor unconscious.

"I'm a doctor!" yelled Carlisle, rushing to help Bella.

"Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. Shh, it's okay. You're fine." Alice's soothing voice wasn't even enough to bring Jasper back to his senses. He was sick and tired of tormenting himself!!! Edward and Emmett dragged him out of the room, Alice not far behind.

_My God, it's just like her birthday_, Alice thought. _Bella would make one heck of an emo considering how often she manages to cut herself in front of Jasper. Why can't Edward just turn her into a vampire already?_

A half-hour later, Carlisle reported that Bella was going to fine. The cut was extremely minor; she only needed a Band-Aid.

"We're lucky she didn't get a concussion from the force of a certain vampire shoving her into a wall," he said, glaring openly at Rosalie.

"Yeah, real lucky," muttered Rosalie. She took no mind though; surely Edward wouldn't take that clumsy little mortal around for a while. She did have an open wound after all.

As it so happened, Edward had no such plans. He seemed to think that the Cullen clan could control themselves around Bella. When he made this clear, everyone had their own reaction…

Alice: Oh, are you sure, Edward? Is it really worth the risk of someone hurting Bella?

Emmett: Well, I can handle myself I think. But what about Jasper? You know how he loves Italian…

Esme: I agree with Alice. You love Bella, why put her in any unnecessary danger?

Jasper: Edward, the last thing I want is to hurt someone I care about. You saw what happened today. If Emmett had been a second later-

Emmett: Excuse me?

Jasper: -then I could have killed Bella. I could have bitten her. And drank her blood. And let it linger in my mouth.

Jasper had gotten a hungry look in his eyes and there was drool starting to build up in his mouth, so Rosalie figured she had better cut in.

"Are you a total moron or just brain-dead, Edward?" she said disgustedly. "You claim to love Bella and yet you're, like, planning her demise. I swear this won't stop until she gets turned into a vampire or dies."

And that was when Jasper had his revelation: the revelation that would end his incessant suffering. Deep down, Jasper knew Rosalie was right. So, really, there was nothing else he could do. Jasper would just have to kill Bella.

**Author's Note: **I know this chapter was short, but I just thought that was a good note to end on. Can't go wrong with killing Bella. **:)** Please keep reading 'cause the rest of the story isn't this dark. Just humorous inhumanity, silly sadism, and violence-impaired vampires. **:)** P.S. "I'm a doctor" is a reference to Evil Iguana's one Twilight spoof, which is hilarious!!!! P.S.S. I just know some Twilight fanatic's gonna yell at me for messing up the New Moon birthday scene, so just cool your jets! It's the not the same scene y'all! P.S.S.S. I doubt I'm gonna get sued but, just in case, Stephanie Meyers owns all the Twilight stuff, although I wouldn't mind claiming Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle! Three Days Grace owns _Pain_, even though it's totally Jasper's theme song!

**Happy Reading!!!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

Catastrophes with the Cullen Clan: 

Jasper & Emmett Hatch a Scheme

2. Jasper's Struggling

I dance around this empty house

_Tear us down, throw you out_

Screaming down the halls

_Spinning all around and now _

_We fall_

-Pink

Despite what you may have been led to believe, murder is not a very easy thing to pull off. Jasper Hale was learning this firsthand. First, there was the obvious problem with getting Bella when she was alone. Was Edward surgically attached to her or something?! There wasn't a time when he saw one without the other. Emmett loved Rosalie, but he didn't spend every freaking moment with her! One day, Jasper had a stroke of luck and saw Bella bent down rummaging through a closet for who knows what. An odd series of events ensued…

He casually took a large knife from one of the kitchen drawers and walked silently up behind Bella. She couldn't hear him; vampires are very light footed. Jasper raised the knife and-

"Hey Jasper, wanna hit the baseball field?" Emmett's voice broke the dramatic silence. Jasper looked around frantically for a place to hide the blade. Bella started to stand up in slow human style and, having no choice, Jasper flung the knife in a random direction. That direction happened to be the kitchen doorway, which Emmett happened to be walking through. The knife zoomed through the air and stuck perfectly in Emmett's defined abs. Emmett looked down in surprise and said plainly, "What the hell, Jasper?

"Oh my god! Are you all right? Emmett?" Bella asked worriedly. Emmett just pulled the knife out (which was clean from blood) and gave Jasper a weird look.

"You wanna tell me why I'm having knives chucked at me, bro?"

Jasper stammered, "Well, I was um…you know…It just sort of…you came in and it just…uh…uhhhhh…I was practicing my aim."

"Your aim?"

"Yup."

"With a knife?"

"Couldn't find a baseball."

"And you threw it at the door?"

"It seemed like a good target at the time."

Just then Alice came in and asked if they were ready to play some baseball. They said they were and Bella went with Alice. After they walked out, Emmett turned to Jasper.

"You're lucky your aim wasn't a few inches lower, or Rosalie would have been really ticked at you," he joked.

Jasper forced a laugh, but in truth he was terribly disappointed his attempted murder was only attempted. Oh well. Where there's a will, there's a homicide.

At the baseball field, Jasper saw new hope. Surely he could make a human death at a vampire game look accidental. When they got there, Jasper nonchalantly asked Alice if he could pitch today.

"Sure," she answered immediately. "I'd like to play in the outfield for a change. Why the sudden want to pitch?"

"Oh, no reason." Jasper felt the urge to laugh evilly, but repressed it. The rest of the Cullens were bickering on how to make the teams.

"Girls versus boys isn't fair at all, Bella," Rosalie complained. "You and Esme don't play, so it would just be me and Alice fending against the guys."

"Well, it's not fair when you and Emmett play together," said Edward. "You two have some sort of telepathy going on."

"What about blondes versus brunettes?" offered Esme. This proved to be the best suggestion. After a little debate on Emmett's hair color, the teams were formed. Carlisle, Jasper, and Rosalie lined up to bat while Edward, Alice, and Emmett took the field. So, it turned out Jasper hadn't needed to ask Alice's permission. Rosalie went to bat first. Esme was catching and Bella was keeping score on the bleachers. Rosalie hit a double, which wasn't bad with Edward in the outfield. Carlisle strolled up to the plate and hit a triple, getting Rosalie a home run. All this time, Jasper was calculating Bella's distance from the plate and the trajectory at which he should swing the bat to obtain maximum…_contact_. This ought to be interesting…

"All right, Jasper. Go get Carlisle home!" cheered Rosalie.

"Swing, batta batta swing! Swing, batta!" yelled Emmett from the outfield. Jasper smiled. Oh, he'd swing all right. Alice did her signature leg-kicking fastball and Jasper swung with all his might. The ball made a cracking noise and the baseball went ballistic towards the woods. On the back swing, however, Jasper released the bat so it went ballistic towards Bella. Oops.

"BELLA, WATCH OOOUUUUTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed every Cullen except for Jasper. Even Rosalie looked surprised. Bella shrieked. She was a klutz and the baseball bat was going roughly 100 mph. _There's no way she's gonna get out of the way_, Jasper thought gleefully as he watched her face twist with terror.

That was until a certain immortal seventeen-year-old pushed her out of the way. Bella gasped as Edward grabbed her off of the bleachers and leaped onto the ground. The bat smashed into the bleachers, leaving a sizeable dent. Edward's concerned face was close to Bella's when he asked if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she sighed. "But we've got to stop meeting like this."

_Gag me with a spoon_, thought Jasper disgustedly. _This really shouldn't be all that difficult. She's a weak, clumsy, mortal female. I'm a strong, immortal vampire with wicked cool hair. _

"Geez, Jasper, I thought you said you were practicing your aim," said Emmett, who had gotten to them in a millisecond. "Looks to me like you've gotten worse."

"That was an admirable rescue, Edward," Carlisle congratulated. "I don't think I've ever seen you move that fast."

"Well, he's had plenty of practice with all Bella's near-death experiences," Rosalie snickered. Carlisle didn't bother reprimanding her. She had a point, after all. She continued, "Frankly, I think we deserve a redo. I mean Jasper was-" A glare from Edward was all it took to shut her up.

"We're going home,' he said bluntly.

"Aww, do we have to Eddie?" Emmett whined. Alice gave him a swat on the shoulder.

She responded, "I think you're right, Edward. Bella isn't safe around the field. This is the second time she's almost gotten hurt here."

"Guys, I don't want to ruin your fun," Bella offered. She felt guilty, but she was also wondering about Jasper. He was acting so weird today. He was sort of scaring- _No, Bella, you are not afraid of Jasper_, she assured herself. _He's like family._

"It's all right," said Esme. "It looks like the storm's passing anyway. C'mon, let's go home. You can help me with dinner. We can have meatloaf."

"Sounds good," agreed Bella. Jasper glared at the ground. Why was this so difficult? Why did everyone like Bella? Why was this vegetarian thing so much harder for him? And why the _hell_ did Bella say meatloaf sounds good?!

Bella and the Cullen clan started back the house. Jasper just stood there, glaring at the dent in the bleachers that should have been a dent in Bella's head. He could feel the pain and fury building up within him.

"AAAAUUUUGGHHH!!!!" Jasper roared with rage and began beating the bleachers with all his might. He punched and kicked and bent and broke until finally he felt his anger had been vented. He stood there panting and fuming, until he heard a small noise. Turning around, Jasper saw there was a small group of children staring wide-eyed and terrified at him. They were all carrying baseball gear and looked no more than 10. He started to apologize, but as soon as he took a step towards them they all screamed and ran away as fast as their little legs would go, dropping their equipment.

Jasper watched them run and then looked at the crunched-up mess of metal that had once been bleachers. He sighed. _Why do I always look like the bad guy?_

**Author's Note:** Haha, the meatloaf thing was funny. :) Thanks to all you guys that added this story to your story alerts and such!!! It's appreciated. Hope this chapter wasn't too violent or dark…Mild language! Oh, and Pink owns _Funhouse_, which is a great song! Hmmm… Jasper does have wicked cool hair. He and Emmett are both hot. Just saying. Catch ya on the flipside!!! **(This is a shout-out to my BFF twilight fan32! She really needs to post her stories!)**

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	3. Chapter 3

Catastrophes with the Cullen Clan:

Jasper & Emmett Hatch a Scheme

3. Carlisle's New Car

_I might have to wait_

_I'll never give up_

_I guess it's half timing_

_And the other half's luck_

-Michael Bublé

A woman once said, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that whispers, I'll try again tomorrow." Well, if that's true, Jasper had quite a lot of courage. Every night when he laid down to not go to sleep, a little voice in the back of his head said, "I'll try killing Bella again tomorrow." Now, you and I know that this voice was really Jasper having a nervous breakdown due to his constant yearning for human blood, but that's beside the point. The point is Jasper was not about to give up after the baseball catastrophe. He had plenty of plans, each of them as idiotic as the next. There was the guillotine, the cyanide, the double-barrel shotgun, the thumbtacks, the homemade quicksand, and, of course, the little incident with Carlisle's new car. This was perhaps his most moronic plan yet…

"Hey, Carlizzle! What's crackin' at the doctor's office?" yelled Emmett.

"Hmm…arms, skulls, toes, ribs…Need I go on?" Carlisle asked. Emmett shook his head with a grossed-out look on his face. With a mutter of, "That's nasty, Carlizzle," Emmett left the room. Carlisle smiled. He was happy. Not even Emmett new "gansta" nickname for him could ruin his mood. Whistling _Tik Tok_ quite happily, Carlisle announced to the family and Bella that he was going out. Everyone said goodbye except for Jasper. He was busy brooding over his failed quicksand attempt. Granted, the quicksand-making kit for ages 8+ that he bought off Ebay hadn't been too promising, but he had tried so hard. But of course, as soon as Bella got near the pool of it in the backyard, Jessica called her to invite her to go shopping.

_Why do girls feel the need to shop so much? Do they roll around in mud every day so that they constantly need to buy new clothes? And why must they shop with other people? Are they afraid that if they don't invite someone else people will think they're antisocial losers with no friends except for their dad's credit card? 'Cause that's just retarded. _Anyway, Bella had gotten away and Rosalie stepped in the quicksand instead. If he slept, Jasper would have had nightmares of her angry screaming for months.

The thumbtacks had ended even worse. Jasper had meticulously laid dozens on each step and placed a large pile at the bottom of the stairs. When Bella woke up and slipped on the dish detergent he'd poured at the top of the staircase, she would be in for one heck of a surprise. Jasper had felt a bit guilty about the gruesome circumstances of his murder plan, but then he thought of the agonizing pain he felt around Bella._ Forget this guilt-crap. Bella can go fall down a hundred freaking staircases._

Jasper waited patiently at the bottom of the stairs, out of view. He heard blissful humming and grinned. Then there were quite a few sounds.

SQUEAK (someone sliding on dish detergent), THUD (someone falling on their hind-quarters), AAAAUUUGHHH (someone screaming due to the hundreds of tacks stabbing them) THUMP THUD THUD CRASH THUD BANG CLUNK BANG THUMP SMASH THUD CRASH THUMP BANG CLUNK THUD (someone falling down a great many stairs).

Jasper skipped out from his hiding spot giddily to see Bella body. Only Bella's hair was shorter. And she was skinnier. And she sure as heck wasn't dead because she was standing there with a totally ticked-off look on her face. Bella looked a lot like Alice. Jasper gulped.

"Um, are you okay Alice?" he asked nervously. He had never seen Alice this mad. She pulled a thumbtack out of her forehead.

"Okay?" she said quietly. "Am I _okay_? NO JASPER HALE I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT OKAY!!!! I JUST HAD A MILLION PINS STAB ME!!!! WHY THE HELL ARE THERE PINS ALL OVER THE STAIRS AND WHY IS THERE DISH DETERGENT AT THE TOP????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT *BLEEPING* HURT LIKE A *BLEEP*****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jasper had never heard Alice curse in her whole afterlife. She really was ticked off. It took hours of lying to the Cullens and Bella and bogus excuses about science experiments, but everyone finally calmed down. Jasper wished he could just curl up into a little ball. But being a vampire isn't that easy.

So now he was sitting in the living room, thinking about all the millions of ways to kill a person. He was actually reading about it. Murder For Dummies seemed like a helpful book, so Jasper had checked it out of the library yesterday. Whenever anyone came into the room, though, Jasper had to use his super speed to stuff the book down his pants. This had worked both times Edward entered the room and when Rosalie came through. But Jasper was bound to slip up sometime.

Jasper was so intrigued by the section on covering one's tracks that he didn't hear Esme until she was right in the doorway. He attempted to hide the book and his hands were far down his pants when Esme saw him. Both vampires' jaws dropped.

"Jasper, what are you- are you- I mean…" Esme was in complete shock. Jasper wasn't positive what to do, so he settled for slowly taking his hands out of his pants, leaving the book where the sun don't shine. Esme walked and sat down on the couch. She gave Jasper her most understanding look. He just stared straight ahead with wide eyes.

"Jasper, I…I've noticed you were acting strangely lately. Well, I just want you to know that every young man goes though this. I know you might be embarrassed, but it's a perfectly natural part of growing up. Sometimes, when we don't have a significant other, we try to please ourselves in other ways."

By now Jasper looked thoroughly nauseated. He did not need this kind of pep talk from Esme of all people.

"Hey, Jaspy," said Emmett, who had just walked in. "Esme telling you about the birds and the bees?"

"Emmett! Go find something to do! Jasper's going through something right now!" yelled Esme. Emmett looked insulted and sped outside.

"You know," she continued. "I bet Emmett's done it. Before he met Rosalie. And Edward and Carlisle probably-"

"Okay Esme thanks for the talk I gotta go!" Jasper said loudly. He zipped to the bathroom and threw up. Well, it was more of a dry heave since he didn't eat. He was definitely going to need therapy after this. _It's all Bella's fault. _That was when he heard a car pulling up. But hadn't Carlisle walked? Who could it be? He ran downstairs and joined the others as they walked outside. There was quite a sight before them.

Carlisle stepped in slow-mo out of the shiny red convertible corvette. He was wearing his lab coat and stethoscope over a black T-shirt and black jeans. All his movements were in slow-mo. He took his sunglasses off slowly and hit the lock button on the key and the car beeped twice. He strolled up to the gaping Cullen clan. Most of the women, and a few men, on the street had stopped whatever they were doing to gawk at the gorgeous man walking (slowly) up his driveway. One woman was so distracted that she was now watering her dog instead of her garden.

"I'm sizzlin' and Carlizzlin'," Carlisle said dramatically. Esme fainted.

"Um, Carlisle," Rosalie began. "What's with the car?"

"Oh, this? It's just a little thing I like to call my-ticket-to-no-longer-sharing-a-car-with-a-bunch-of-reckless-teenagers."

"That's a mouthful," Emmett muttered. Then he went to inspect the car. "This is pretty nice. I wouldn't mind taking-"

"No."

"But I just-"

"NO."

"Fine."

"So, now you're just sharing a car with your reckless self?" Alice laughed. Carlisle grinned and nodded. Esme stood back up.

"Why would you buy a new car without telling anyone?" she asked shrilly. "Are you having a mid-millennium crisis or something?"

Carlisle looked disappointed. "No, I'm just tired of only having one car for a family of seven. It's inconvenient."

As they argued, Jasper started forming a plan. Mwahahaha! Surely he could pull off a hit and run. He knew he could pull it off and don't call him Shirley!

Everyone went inside and didn't eat dinner together. Jasper acted friendly and calm so as to give a false sense of comfort. It was working perfectly. The only problems were that Esme kept looking at him funny and Emmett was too. But Emmett couldn't possibly know what Jasper was up to. Could he? _Could he_? Random reader, "Oh, are you asking us?"

The next day, Bella was out in the driveway doing gay chalk-drawings of her and Edward. The opportunity was too good to pass up. Jasper stealthily sneaked out to the corvette, which still out in the driveway. He slipped into the driver's seat. Then, he realized he had forgotten the key. Jasper hurried back in, got the key, ran back outside, and slipped in the car a great deal less stealthily. He started the engine and thanked God that Bella was too wrapped up in her terrible drawings to hear. He switched gears to Drive and hit the gas with all his might.

And crashed through the garage.

Bella screamed. Jasper gaped at the windshield. He looked down at the shifter and saw that it was at Reverse. The rest of the Cullens ran to the driveway and stared at the giant hole in the garage door. Carlisle fell to his knees and started sobbing. Alice hurried over and started patting his back.

"There, there. It's okay," said soothingly.

"What is wrong with you, Jasper???!!!!" Carlisle screamed. Jasper got out of the car and seriously feared that Carlisle would kill him before he could kill Bella. He walked as calmly as he could down to the family. They all started screaming at the same time.

"Jasper, what were you thinking?"

"What did you do, Jasper?"

"Are you out of your mind, Jasper?"

"Jasper, are you all right?"

"Wendy, are you all right?"

Everyone stopped yelling and stared at Carlisle, who was stroking his car affectionately.

"Wendy?" they asked. Carlisle looked at them defiantly.

"I named my car Wendy. Got a problem with that? Anyway, we should be talking about the fact that Jasper just smashed my brand-new car through the garage. Do want to offer any explanation, Jasper?"

"I was…trying to move it. It was…you know, crooked. And I thought it would have looked so much better if it were aligned with the driveway in a more parallel manner. Only I hit the gas a little too hard…"

"That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard," Carlisle said bluntly. He gave Wendy a sad look and then retreated to the house. The rest of the family all looked at Jasper like he just threw a kitten out a window into a pit of lava-covered spikes. Although, Emmett did look like he was holding in laughter.

Jasper sighed. Sometimes, life sucked. But the afterlife would always suck worse.

**Author's Note: **I had some serial inspiration for this chapter. I wrote in, like, less than a day. =D Anyhow, I hope everyone enjoyed this!! Especially twilight fan32!!! I have to thank her for helping with the Carlizzle/Sizzlin' and Carlizzlin'/slow-mo new car thing!!!!! It was really awkward writing the Esme/Jasper pants talk. But funny!! P.S. Okay, seriously, just go back and read the slow-mo Carlizzle part. Picture that whole part of him getting out of the car and if you don't laugh, there's something wrong with you!! P.S.S. Michael Bublé owns _Haven't Met You Yet_, which is a lovely song that really fits Mike Newton. BYE!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Catastrophes with the Cullen Clan:

Jasper & Emmett Hatch a Scheme

4. Jasper Gets A Pet

_She clings to me like cellophane _

_Fake plastic submarine _

_Slowly driving me insane _

_But now that's over _

-SR-71

Bella was like cellophane (that clingy plastic wrap for anyone who doesn't know.) She was always clinging to someone, be it Edward, Alice, or even Jasper himself. He could be close enough to smell her lip balm (he believed it was Razzmatazz Blue Raspberry number 7) and still not kill her. She was making Jasper crazy. He was always so close, but no cigar. Jasper Hale could not kill Bella Swan.

AND

IT

WAS

DRIVING

HIM

**!****INSANE****!**

Then again, he could always give it another go… That night as he listened to the cats meowing outside, Jasper formulated a plan. A diabolical plan. A wicked plan. A plan involving a highly ferocious animal. He began laughing evilly, but Carlisle yelled for him to shut up. Jasper sighed. You drive one little old car through a garage and no one can let it go.

The next day Jasper got up and went downstairs. He smiled at everyone and even attempted to talk to Esme. Of course she immediately started talking about how important self-esteem is.

"You just need to believe in yourself, Jasper," Esme told him. "You can do anything you set your mind to."

Jasper was in a bad mood by now, so he decided to make things difficult for her.

"Can I have a baby?"

She looked shocked. "Um, no. No, I don't think you can because…well…you're a vampire and…and a man. So, I guess that's an exception."

"Can I fly?"

"No, you can't technically fly… But you can…jump really high."

"Can I talk to Carlisle?"

"Not unless you want to die a second death," Rosalie interjected, walking into the kitchen. "He's been in the garage all day, working on _Wendy_."

Jasper felt a bit guilty about Wendy. Carlisle loved that corvette like a wife, which didn't bode well with Esme. Jasper decided to check and see if the good doctor was as skilled at healing cars as he was people.

He went into the garage (which still had a huge hole in the door) and saw that Wendy was indeed looking better. Then he heard the music.

"Doctor, doctor! Gimme the news! I got a bad case of lovin' you!" Carlisle was singing at the top of his lungs. Jasper cleared his throat to announce himself and Carlisle quickly straightened himself up…hitting his head on the open hood.

"Ouch! Jasper, what do you want?"

"Um, I just wanted to see how Wendy was doing," Jasper said lamely. Carlisle seemed to accept this answer. He put down the lid and walked over to his adopted son.

"Wendy's all right. I have most of the damage taken care of. I should have her all fixed up by tonight. Why the sudden interest?"

"I guess I just feel a little guilty. I never meant to hurt Wendy or the garage. It was…just a big mistake, you know?"

Carlisle smiled understandingly. "It's okay, Jasper. I know you would never harm Wendy on purpose. You know how much she means to me."

"Yeeeaaaahhh…andIwaswonderingifIcouldborrowWendyforjustasecond?"

"I didn't catch that."

"Me. Borrow. Wendy."

"No."

"Please, Carlisle-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"_Okay_. Geez."

Jasper walked out of the garage and then made a beeline for the pet store. Well, after he had stopped, listened to Carlisle sing some more, and almost had an aneurysm laughing. Once he made it to the pet store, he went in and asked the clerk what kind of dangerous animals they had.

"Well," sniffed the clerk, whose nametag read Skeeter. "We got a couple pitbulls and a giant German shepherd. The pitbulls can't get adopted because they bite anything within a ten-foot radius and the German shepherd took off its last owner's left hand. I don't think you'd want any of 'em really. They're all pretty wicked."

"So's your breath," muttered Jasper, overwhelmed by the stench of garlic and black licorice.

"What?"

"Nothing. I mean, wicked is kinda what I'm looking for."

"Hmm. You know we have this one… No, no, you wouldn't want him. Way too dangerous for a pet."

"No! That's what I want! Can I at least see it?"

"If you're up to it. It's your funeral, man."

Jasper chuckled. "I don't think I have to worry about that."

Skeeter led Jasper to the back to a small, dark room. The clerk reached around and, after accidentally hitting Jasper in the face, he found the cord to the small bulb hanging from the ceiling. When the room was lit, Jasper saw there was a large metal box in the middle of the room. When he took a step towards it, the box started rattling and menacing growls started escaping through the tiny air holes on the top of the box. Skeeter turned towards the now gleeful vampire.

"Are you sure you want me to open this thing?"

Jasper nodded. There was no going back now.

As it turned out, the beast in the box was exactly what Jasper wanted. He couldn't bring it home immediately, though. He had to drive Skeeter to the hospital first. Luckily, Carlisle was now a dedicated mechanic to Wendy, so Jasper didn't have to worry about running into him. After telling Skeeter to get better and slipping a few breath mints into his pocket, Jasper hurried home with his new pet. After dancing joyfully with the box in the backyard, he decided it was time to get down to business. He slipped in the back door. He passed through the back room, the living room, and the dining room.

In the back room…

Alice was playing Dance Dance Revolution. She was on expert of course and was in deep concentration. But Jasper just couldn't help but laugh when he saw that she was dancing to Love Games by Lady GaGa. Jasper laughed. Alice turned around. Her high score was ruined. Oops. Alice threw a lamp at Jasper. He scrammed.

In the living room…

"Hey, Jaspy. What's happening?" Emmett was doing one-handed push-ups on the carpet while watching Cops on TV.

"Nothing much. Anything interesting on Cops yet?"

"It just came on. Some chick found out that her husband was an illegal immigrant when their Chinese neighbors, who didn't speak like any English, called the cops to report that he was stealing their crappy station wagon."

"Oh, is that all?"

"The station wagon was filled with meth, so the neighbors got arrested too."

"Wow. This show brings out the worst in everyone. Why do you even bother watching it?"

"I find it fascinating how we, as modern-day organisms, try to concoct ridiculous notions that we are civilized beings. Programs such as this one disprove such theories and illustrate how little distance we have made from our savage ancestors."

"Say what?" Jasper had never heard Emmett use anything beyond a fifth-grader's vocabulary.

"Plus, I always hope that we'll see Charlie on one of these days."

"That's more like it."

In the dining room…

Rosalie was laying each piece of silverware on the table individually with startling force. She obviously wasn't happy that Bella was not only staying for dinner, but also preparing it. Jasper was overjoyed of course. Bella making dinner was the key part in his plan.

"What do you think about Bella making dinner, Jasper?" Rosalie asked irritably.

"Um, I don't know-"

"I think it's outrageous. She can't even cook. Did you taste her meatloaf? It was disgusting."

"How would you know? You didn't eat any of it."

"Whatever. Take her side, I don't care."

Jasper rolled his eyes and crept into the kitchen. He grinned maniacally as he slipped the beast from the box into the stove. Suddenly he heard footsteps and, assuming it was Bella, hid in the closet. Jasper couldn't see but he could hear Bella's heavy footsteps coming closer to the stove. He heard the stove open and…

"RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_Hmm_, thought Jasper, _that scream sounds strange_. Indeed, the scream sounded too deep for Bella's voice (which is pretty darn deep. Like, seriously, has she smoked for the last fifty years? Did they hire the lead singer of Nickelback to play her part? And where exactly does she keep her oxygen tank?) Jasper opened the closet and was horrified to see a mutilated Edward lying on the ground. He was covered in cuts and deep gashes.

"You okay, Edward?" Jasper asked tentatively.

Edward shook his head slowly with wide eyes and obvious shock. He had apparently been traumatized. Jasper grabbed him by the front of his shirt and got right up in face.

"Edward, where did it go?" When he didn't answer, Jasper slapped him across the face. That had no effect, so he backhanded him.

Finally, Edward pointed a shaky finger toward the door. Jasper slapped him one more time for good measure. Then he jumped up and headed toward where the monster had gone. Edward called after him. Jasper turned around.

"What is it?'

Edward took a deep breath and looked him right in the eye. "Don't ever get up in my grill like that again."

Jasper ran after his pet and finally caught a glimpse of him sneaking in the garage door. The vampire ran to the door, swung it open, and yelled out a warning to Carlisle.

"Carlisle, watch out for Catzilla!"

"Huh? Aaaahhh! What the hell is that thing?"

Unfortunately, Carlisle had left the door open and Catzilla was now inside it, tearing Wendy's interior to shreds. Carlisle squealed and jumped in the car. Soon, all Jasper could see through the windows was scraps of white lab cat, car upholstery, and fur flying in every direction. Knowing he had no choice, Jasper jumped into the fray, trying to save Carlisle from the beastly feline that was kinda winning. There was kicking, scratching, punching, bloodsucking, and a bit of trash-talking. With a tremendous effort Jasper managed to throw Catzilla out of the car. The monstrous cat ran down the street at amazing speed, growling at bystanders and stealing candy from children. Jasper ran after him and finally caught up at a secluded street corner.

Catzilla turned and made eye contact with Jasper. Jasper glared at him and slowly made his way to where the cat was standing.

"I set you loose, Catzilla. And now I'm gonna put you back where you belong. They have places for cats like you, places where you can get the help you need. They won't care that you're a little overgrown and…well, ugly. You need to learn to control your anger and violence, got that? I won't let you hurt any more innocent people. Other than Bella. You can kill her, but that's it…and maybe Obama. And Justin Bieber if his voice doesn't change soon, but that's the limit. You got that?"

Catzilla pounced on Jasper and pinned him to the pavement. Jasper gasped. He struggled, but the monster was far stronger than him. Catzilla smiled and raised his paw high above Jasper's head. He let out four claws, which were all roughly the length of the average switchblade.

"Catzilla, how could you? I got you in hopes that we could be friends. Please, don't do this! Think about it! Do you really want kill _me_?"

Jasper put on his cutest smile and puppy dog eyes. Catzilla spit in his face. As the cat prepared to stab him to death, Jasper closed his eyes, fearing the worst…

But there was no pain. Instead, Jasper heard a loud _SNAP_ and felt Catzilla fall off him. His eyes popped open and he stared up at his savior. Carlisle stood there breathing heavily, covered in blood and his lab coat torn apart. Catzilla lay on the ground, his head twisted completely around.

"Nobody messes with my car, bitch."

"Carlisle! You saved my life! Well, technically I'm already dead…but whatever! Thank God you showed up! How did you know where to find me?"

"Wendy told me."

"I-what? Wendy told …I…uh. Whatever! Good thing you showed up!"

"Yup. I wonder how that fiend got in our house? Edward was already attacked apparently. He's in a state of shock. But don't worry; I told Emmett to just keep slapping him until he was okay again."

"Oh, that's good. Yeah, I don't know how a freakin' cat-monster got in…weird."

Later, when Carlisle and Jasper got back, Edward had regained his senses. Bella was very scaredycat-baby-potsmoker acting. Jasper wanted to smack her. The whole family was talking worriedly when Emmett pulled Jasper into the next room.

"Emmett, what is it?"

"Jasper I want you to know…I know what you're doing."

"Whatever do you men, dear brother?"

"You're trying to kill Bella."

Jasper gasped. How had Emmett figured it out? He'd been so inconspicuous! (Yeah, right.) What was he going to do? Turn him in? Kill him? Tell everybody? Tell Obama?

"And I want you to know, I want to help."

"………………………Say what?"

"But we can't kill her. That's just rude. We should turn her into a vampire. That way everybody's happy!"

"That's actually good idea! Nice thinking, Emmett!"

"Thanks, Jaspy!"

The two brothers high-fived and belly-bumped. Then they crept upstairs to discuss their evil plans…Mwahahaha!

**Author's Note:** I am soooooooooo sorry it took sooooooooooooo long to update. I've been swamped. Hope this chapter was good! Sorry for language, but it just fit! I really liked Jasper and Catzilla's showdown. Read and Review!


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